Good Grief.

Here I am again.

It's been three weeks since Mom passed away. Three weeks of trying not to think about it too much; of trying to push back the emotions. And today I realized something very important: I don't know how to grieve.

I've never needed to know. I was one of those silly people who subconsciously thought that bad things would never happen to her or her family. Of course I didn't seriously believe that, but somewhere inside I guess I had that feeling of security. And so when unexpected and sad things do happen, I don't quite know how to react.

My grandpa passed away in 2006 when I was studying for a semester in London. It was so hard to be in another country and not be with my family during that time. Pop's passing wasn't unexpected, but it still hurt. I cried for a few weeks, and when I got back home to the New York I cried some more...and then I was okay. I miss him, but I'm okay.

I suppose that's what will happen this time...except I was so unprepared for this past loss. We all were. It's a little easier to heal from grief when you know what's coming.

It's funny because I feel awfully selfish. I miss Mom because of what she was to me: a mom, friend, counselor...not just my mother-in-law. When we lose someone we grieve because we're selfish. We'll miss them because of what they were to us.

I'm so thankful we all know where she is; that she is painting sunsets with Jesus and drinking tea with Pop. It definitely helps.