Emery Lynn Morse

How ironic, Emery arrived the day after my last post! May 30th, 2010 (her Daddy's birthday!), 5 pounds 15 ounces, 18 1/2 inches, blue eyes with a head of dark brown hair.

She is now 15 days old and growing fast--she gained one pound within ten days! We are breastfeeding exclusively so it must be working. Her umbilical cord fell off last week, and tonight I gave her her first actual bath. She didn't like it so much, but fell asleep peacefully afterwards.

Last night Emery either had really bad gas or was going through a growth spurt (I'm thinking both). She started crying inconsolably around 9pm and didn't stop until about 2am. Nothing seemed to help, but she ate almost every half hour during that time. I feel like she ate a bit more today than normal, too, although I wasn't counting. Hopefully she'll be okay tonight and the three of us will be able to sleep.

Every day we get a little fresh air when we go up to get the mail--and Mommy gets her exercise (trust me, it's exercise; you haven't seen my driveway).

This past weekend we visited family so they could meet our little girl, and needless to say everyone fell in love with her instantly. She got to show off her cutest onesies and didn't lack any company the whole weekend.

This coming weekend will be her first beach trip. We are going to Long Beach Island Friday through Sunday with the Remix worship team--we're all very excited!

More random updates to follow!

...are we there yet?

Emery is due in exactly one week.
Two weeks ago she was an estimated 5 lbs, 12 oz.
Needless to say Mommy and Daddy are getting a bit edgy as the due date approaches! Every twinge I get in my stomach makes my heart jump--"Maybe this is it!"--but so far no go. I did some last minute shopping (first aid supplies, waterproof bedding liners, etc.), and tomorrow I'll be washing a load of Emery clothes and essentials. I've been trying to walk every day, even if it means going to the mall and window shopping when it's rainy out, all in hopes that she'll come on or before her due date so we can forego the induction process.
Every day I go through the same emotions: after 9pm I start wondering why I'm having a child and what the heck was I thinking?! The very next morning I'm always so thrilled that my husband and I will soon be welcoming this tiny helpless being that will rely on us for everything. A tiny being that I know I will love unconditionally and will be the brightest spot in my universe (besides Andrew, of course ;-) ).
I can't wait to meet her!

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Some news: about a month after my last post God provided Medicaid!!! My largest bill from the other company was resubmitted to Aetna for review (so I might not have to pay it all), and I am also eligible for WIC for as long as I breastfeed (which I was planning to do anyway). Praise God for financial relief! The clinic is very nice, and the maternity ward at Morristown Memorial (where I'll  be delivering Emery) is gorgeous. The rooms are all private and feel like upscale hotel rooms.
Andrew and I got to take a tour of the maternity ward during the Childbirth Preparation class we took a few weeks ago, which was also very helpful. I definitely feel as prepared as I ever will be to have this baby, and I think the class was great for Andrew as well. There were a lot of things he didn't understand at all ("What IS a C-section?") and I feel like he's a bit more understanding of what I've been going through now that he heard it from a certified nurse. ;-)

On Thursday my co-workers threw me a baby shower--and what a surprise it was! They lead me to believe they were planning it for Friday, and suddenly one of my friends calls me up and says, "The phones aren't working--are you still in the area? Can you come help please?!" As it happened I was still in the area--Andrew (who was in on the surprise) worked late that day. So we drive back to my job--me all pissed at having to go back so late in the day--and SURPRISE! Everyone's there with a long table of snacks and a pile of gifts. My first surprise party ever! It was the best.

Needless to say Emery has enough clothing to last her a good three months! And we still have to showers to go! Haha. I feel very loved and am very blessed to have so many friends.

The dilemma:
My current obstetrician group is very expensive--I've alreay racked up a huge bill so far--and so I mentioned that I would hopefully be getting medicaid as well as my primary insurance soon. They told me they don't take medicaid, and so I'll have to go to the hospital clinic from then on.
Not a problem.
So I call the clinic. "Oh, we don't take patients who have insurance. You have to find a clinic or office that takes your insurance."

Seriously? So where am I supposed to have this baby, the street?! These people are killing me. Hopefully I can find a way to get off of Aetna and keep medicaid so I can at least go to the clinic and possibly deliver the baby for free. I mean seriously, how sad is this: my friend, who makes more money than me (although she's single) and has no insurance hasn't paid ONE CENT during her pregnancy so far (and won't have to, thanks to medicaid). I make squat and have minimal insurance, and as far as I can see will owe over $8000 in medical bills by the time it's all said and done.

And what about all those illegal aliens who aren't even supposed to be here, and they're getting free medical care?! Not fair!

(Yes, I'm super emotional right now so take it all with a grain of salt)

I feel like I'm stuck in this tiny box--there's nowhere to go. And there doesn't seem to be a solution.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..."

On a lighter note, Emery is healthy and getting quite strong! Every day she kicks and rolls and moves around--and even though it can become pretty annoying and downright uncomfortable at times, I never tire of feeling her presence. I think it's special that her Daddy can be included now and get to feel her move as well. It makes me smile to see his reaction whenever she kicks!

It's amazing how, even when you are told to expect something, it can still totally take you off guard. Before I was pregnant (and at the very beginning of my pregnancy) I remember reading everywhere that at some point in my pregnancy I would become this hysterical, emotional, hormonal maniac. I would go from ecstatic to annoyed to depressed within an hour. This usually occurs to women during their first trimester.

Well, I'm not your average textbook pregnant woman I guess.

I'm in my second trimester, the one where you are supposed to be experiencing all these feelings of elation and energy--and I am only now beginning to understand what they all meant by "mood swings". These are not your ordinary monthly PMS mood swings, either. They are full blown "I could never be happier--wait, why are you being such an idiot?!--What if my daughter doesn't like me!!!" (insert hysterical sobbing here) emotions. Emotions I never thought my heart was even capable of. Thank God I have a husband who listened to me when I warned him that this would happen. Now that it is happening, he is handling it fairly well--although I'm sure at some point he's really going to think I've snapped.

I think it doesn't really help that I hear of all these women whose husbands are the financial ones, so once they're pregnant they don't really have to worry about all that. Unfortunately in our relationship, I am the money one, Andrew is everything else. I handle insurance, taxes, budgets, etc.--and now it's starting to really get to me. That, and the fact that we're hoping to find a house before next winter, and my desire to be a stay-at-home mom (which is seeming more and more impossible as the days go by).

"Now wait just a minute!!!!" (you may be thinking) "What happened to faith that God will provide? That He will grant the desires of your heart?"

I've been asking myself the same thing--and in short I think my emotional state is fogging my vision and keeping me from seeing what He truly wants for me. I do believe in my heart that I am meant to be a homemaker and a mother, and I need to know that--if that is indeed true for my future--then it will be so, no matter what winter energy bills and evil thoughts of insurance come my way.

To top it all off, I only have three more months until I go on maternity leave, which I really think will help the situation a bit, since I know I'm never going back to work for that boss. I've stuck it out for over a year and a half, and my reward is some much-needed "rest" before Emery comes. I've changed since I started working there--and I'm not proud of what I've become. I know there is no excuse for bad behavior, that it is a choice, but at least the influence will be gone and perhaps I can begin to allow God to heal me in those areas. I only hope I have the strength and desire to allow Him to do so.

Happy and Healthy

11 centimeters and counting! Our little baby Morsel is growing steadily day by day--and so am I! Although I really need to get serious about gaining some weight, now that the first trimester nausea is almost gone...

She or he was bouncing around yesterday during the ultrasound, flexing little fingers and toes...It was incredible. The first ultrasound wasn't quite as exciting since it really just looked like a jellybean with a fluttering heartbeat. Now it's an actual baby with limbs and all!

I have to remind myself now and then that everything that I'm going through will be so worth it. The nausea, sleepiness, mood swings, etc. And the bills. Oh the bills. I just found out that our insurance only covers X amount of dollars for office visits, and I've just gone over that amount, so from now on everything is going to be out of pocket. OUCH! And a certain amount of our insurance money will go towards delivery, but we're still going to have to pay a large sum out of pocket for that as well. But God is good, and He will provide. He has blessed us with this baby and He's not going to just leave us hanging here.

Unless the baby decides to be shy, we will be able to find out the sex on January 21st! I'm pretty sure it's a girl, but I will be thrilled with either a little boy or girl. Any bets? ;-)

Two Become Three

After two very short months off of any form of birth control, and the help and blessing from our Divine Creator, Andrew and I have successfully started growing a baby!!! When I took the first test, the second line was so faint that I almost couldn't believe it. I hopped around the house excitedly for about ten minutes and then took a second test (a different brand this time). Sure enough, the second pink line appeared fairly quickly, and I was satisfied for the moment. What an amazing feeling, knowing there is something growing, slowly yet surely, inside your belly!

Of course I took another test the very next day JUST to be sure. Needless to say, I'm pregnant. Most people would say to wait until after the first trimester to tell anyone, just in case it doesn't work out...but as it's my first one, and the fact that I'm bad at keeping my own secrets, we just decided to tell everyone right away. If it doesn't work out...well, we'll deal with it then.

I'm pretty confident that this baby is meant to be, and I'm so very excited about my first ultrasound on the 29th. Supposedly the heart begins to beat at 5 weeks, so it should be strong enough to hear by then (it will be 9 weeks on the 29th).

So exciting! Praise God.

News

Considering the abundance of grapevines in my life, I would not be surprised if you already knew that Andrew and I have decided to abandon all forms of birth control and give God the reigns in the babymaking area of our lives. In short, we want a baby. We both feel ready to do this, and I have a peace knowing that I am no longer in control of this aspect of my life. We made this decision the last week of July, and although it wasn't the deciding factor, I'm sure the fact that we both got to hold a one week old baby for the first time had some sway on our decision.

Needless to say, it was a month of excitement and anticipation. I, of course, read everything I could on fertility and such and scoped out the perfect days for babymaking. We went out and bought our first pregnancy tests ever, after having consulted our Baby Expert, Momma D. (who assured us that store brands were just as reliable as the expensive variety).

Since I had only been off birth control for one month, my expectation of actually being pregnant were very low. But I still hopped around with excitement when, on the day that I expected my period, I took my first pregnancy test. I shouted through the bathroom door for Andrew to start the clock, and we waited. One minute...one and a half minutes...two minutes passed by. I leapt up and ran back to the bathroom to check the test (I couldn't just stand there and stare at it--it was too nerve-racking). A vertical blue line had appeared in the "control" box, which meant that the test was accurate, and a horizontal blue line had appeared in the box beside it. I let out a sigh of disappointment. I put the test down and told Andrew the news, who lovingly stated that we can try again the next month. Of course I had to check it one last time, just in case. But the test remained resolutely negative.

A few days later, as irony would have it, I was watching Friends and it just so happened to be the episode where Rachel finds out she is pregnant. I cried a little, cursing Rachel for being pregnant while I was not.

And then I got over it. The bright side: one more whole month of not stressing about having a baby and being a mom. Maybe this month will be the month. Until it's time to find out, I'm going to enjoy my husband as much as I possibly can (and the fact that I can drink alcohol and caffeine).

Those Pesky Lawns and School Supplies

As I drove to the store after having dropped Andrew off at the church, I saw something a bit unusual. Within 500 feet of each other I noticed a man mowing his lawn with one of those old-fashioned push-mowers, and a woman crouched in her lawn trimming the grass with a pair of scissors. Hmmm...interesting. I didn't realize the economy was that bad.

On a completely different note, I've suddenly realized it's that time of the year again: notebooks and pencils, binders, gluesticks; an array of school supplies are appearing in every store. College students are beginning to plan their class line-up for this upcoming semester, and I'm feeling a bit left out. I almost emailed one of my old art professors for a copy of this year's syllabus. It's my second year out of school, and to be honest I actually miss it, even though I spent almost three of my four school years wishing it was over. I've only finished two paintings since I graduated last year, mostly because I just don't have the motivation. I usually get home from work around 3 or 3:30, so I have plenty of time. And I'm usually not exhausted when I get home. I keep making the excuse that I don't have a proper workplace (which is true), but it's a bad excuse for an artist. I also make the excuse that I don't have the money for supplies, but that never stopped me in college. I used to paint whatever I could get my hands on. Which reminds me how sorely I miss garbage diving in the art building at Houghton. Ah, what treasures I used to find. People would toss out the most interesting and useful things.

"Vacation"

Camp, as always, was just wonderful.

I don't think I can remember not enjoying any of the 7 years that Andrew and I have been volunteering at Camp Timberledge in Beach Lake, PA. The first two years we were just general camp help, the next three we were counselors, and now that Andrew and I are married, we were activity directors in '08 and '09. Andrew was the rec director this year, while I instructed rock climbing. Side note: I actually had to do some research this year, since I haven't been in the climbing world since last year's camp! Unfortunately I only got to teach three classes due to the rain. There's always next year!

Being around Camp Timberledge also means being around children, since the camp directors, Jenn and John, have quite a brood of mini-Johns. This year there was an extended addition in the form of a three week old baby girl (Jenn's niece). This of course caused much awwing and ooing among the New Morses, not to mention the fact that the mini-est of the mini-Johns was just too cute for words, crawling around like there was no tomorrow.

I am now very inspired to do...things.

Good Grief.

Here I am again.

It's been three weeks since Mom passed away. Three weeks of trying not to think about it too much; of trying to push back the emotions. And today I realized something very important: I don't know how to grieve.

I've never needed to know. I was one of those silly people who subconsciously thought that bad things would never happen to her or her family. Of course I didn't seriously believe that, but somewhere inside I guess I had that feeling of security. And so when unexpected and sad things do happen, I don't quite know how to react.

My grandpa passed away in 2006 when I was studying for a semester in London. It was so hard to be in another country and not be with my family during that time. Pop's passing wasn't unexpected, but it still hurt. I cried for a few weeks, and when I got back home to the New York I cried some more...and then I was okay. I miss him, but I'm okay.

I suppose that's what will happen this time...except I was so unprepared for this past loss. We all were. It's a little easier to heal from grief when you know what's coming.

It's funny because I feel awfully selfish. I miss Mom because of what she was to me: a mom, friend, counselor...not just my mother-in-law. When we lose someone we grieve because we're selfish. We'll miss them because of what they were to us.

I'm so thankful we all know where she is; that she is painting sunsets with Jesus and drinking tea with Pop. It definitely helps.