It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Some news: about a month after my last post God provided Medicaid!!! My largest bill from the other company was resubmitted to Aetna for review (so I might not have to pay it all), and I am also eligible for WIC for as long as I breastfeed (which I was planning to do anyway). Praise God for financial relief! The clinic is very nice, and the maternity ward at Morristown Memorial (where I'll  be delivering Emery) is gorgeous. The rooms are all private and feel like upscale hotel rooms.
Andrew and I got to take a tour of the maternity ward during the Childbirth Preparation class we took a few weeks ago, which was also very helpful. I definitely feel as prepared as I ever will be to have this baby, and I think the class was great for Andrew as well. There were a lot of things he didn't understand at all ("What IS a C-section?") and I feel like he's a bit more understanding of what I've been going through now that he heard it from a certified nurse. ;-)

On Thursday my co-workers threw me a baby shower--and what a surprise it was! They lead me to believe they were planning it for Friday, and suddenly one of my friends calls me up and says, "The phones aren't working--are you still in the area? Can you come help please?!" As it happened I was still in the area--Andrew (who was in on the surprise) worked late that day. So we drive back to my job--me all pissed at having to go back so late in the day--and SURPRISE! Everyone's there with a long table of snacks and a pile of gifts. My first surprise party ever! It was the best.

Needless to say Emery has enough clothing to last her a good three months! And we still have to showers to go! Haha. I feel very loved and am very blessed to have so many friends.

The dilemma:
My current obstetrician group is very expensive--I've alreay racked up a huge bill so far--and so I mentioned that I would hopefully be getting medicaid as well as my primary insurance soon. They told me they don't take medicaid, and so I'll have to go to the hospital clinic from then on.
Not a problem.
So I call the clinic. "Oh, we don't take patients who have insurance. You have to find a clinic or office that takes your insurance."

Seriously? So where am I supposed to have this baby, the street?! These people are killing me. Hopefully I can find a way to get off of Aetna and keep medicaid so I can at least go to the clinic and possibly deliver the baby for free. I mean seriously, how sad is this: my friend, who makes more money than me (although she's single) and has no insurance hasn't paid ONE CENT during her pregnancy so far (and won't have to, thanks to medicaid). I make squat and have minimal insurance, and as far as I can see will owe over $8000 in medical bills by the time it's all said and done.

And what about all those illegal aliens who aren't even supposed to be here, and they're getting free medical care?! Not fair!

(Yes, I'm super emotional right now so take it all with a grain of salt)

I feel like I'm stuck in this tiny box--there's nowhere to go. And there doesn't seem to be a solution.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..."

On a lighter note, Emery is healthy and getting quite strong! Every day she kicks and rolls and moves around--and even though it can become pretty annoying and downright uncomfortable at times, I never tire of feeling her presence. I think it's special that her Daddy can be included now and get to feel her move as well. It makes me smile to see his reaction whenever she kicks!

It's amazing how, even when you are told to expect something, it can still totally take you off guard. Before I was pregnant (and at the very beginning of my pregnancy) I remember reading everywhere that at some point in my pregnancy I would become this hysterical, emotional, hormonal maniac. I would go from ecstatic to annoyed to depressed within an hour. This usually occurs to women during their first trimester.

Well, I'm not your average textbook pregnant woman I guess.

I'm in my second trimester, the one where you are supposed to be experiencing all these feelings of elation and energy--and I am only now beginning to understand what they all meant by "mood swings". These are not your ordinary monthly PMS mood swings, either. They are full blown "I could never be happier--wait, why are you being such an idiot?!--What if my daughter doesn't like me!!!" (insert hysterical sobbing here) emotions. Emotions I never thought my heart was even capable of. Thank God I have a husband who listened to me when I warned him that this would happen. Now that it is happening, he is handling it fairly well--although I'm sure at some point he's really going to think I've snapped.

I think it doesn't really help that I hear of all these women whose husbands are the financial ones, so once they're pregnant they don't really have to worry about all that. Unfortunately in our relationship, I am the money one, Andrew is everything else. I handle insurance, taxes, budgets, etc.--and now it's starting to really get to me. That, and the fact that we're hoping to find a house before next winter, and my desire to be a stay-at-home mom (which is seeming more and more impossible as the days go by).

"Now wait just a minute!!!!" (you may be thinking) "What happened to faith that God will provide? That He will grant the desires of your heart?"

I've been asking myself the same thing--and in short I think my emotional state is fogging my vision and keeping me from seeing what He truly wants for me. I do believe in my heart that I am meant to be a homemaker and a mother, and I need to know that--if that is indeed true for my future--then it will be so, no matter what winter energy bills and evil thoughts of insurance come my way.

To top it all off, I only have three more months until I go on maternity leave, which I really think will help the situation a bit, since I know I'm never going back to work for that boss. I've stuck it out for over a year and a half, and my reward is some much-needed "rest" before Emery comes. I've changed since I started working there--and I'm not proud of what I've become. I know there is no excuse for bad behavior, that it is a choice, but at least the influence will be gone and perhaps I can begin to allow God to heal me in those areas. I only hope I have the strength and desire to allow Him to do so.